About Depression, Anxiety, and Mood Changes
Social Anxiety in Children & Teens | Santa Monica
Social anxiety and peer difficulties are among the most painful experiences of childhood. A child who is shy, socially anxious, or struggling to make or keep friends can find school a daily ordeal and the impact on self-esteem, emotional development, and academic engagement can be significant.
Dr. Sally Hackman, PhD, MFT, has extensive experience helping children in Santa Monica and Los Angeles navigate peer relationships and overcome social anxiety addressing both the emotional roots of the difficulty and the practical social skills that support healthy peer connection.
What It Looks Like From Outside
In Younger Children
Freezing when spoken to. Hiding behind a parent well past the age when most children have stopped. Refusing to order for themselves, answer the phone, or use a bathroom outside the house. Tantrums or tears before birthday parties and playdates. Some children speak freely at home and barely at all at school. When that lasts more than a month, it is worth raising with someone, as it may be selective mutism rather than ordinary reticence.
At School
Never raising a hand, even knowing the answer. Panic about reading
aloud or presenting. Stomach aches on days with PE, assembly or group work. Arriving late or hovering outside the classroom to avoid walking in while everyone watches. Teachers often describe these children as well-behaved and quiet, which is why it goes unnoticed for years.
In Teenagers
Declining invitations and then feeling left out. Avoiding anything involving being seen eating in public, changing rooms, speaking in class. Heavy reliance on messaging rather than talking, and distress about what other people might be thinking or posting. Some cover it with irritability or a claim that they do not care about any of it. Most do.
Shyness or Social Anxiety?
The difference is not how much a child talks. It is what is happening underneath. A shy child usually wants to join in and takes longer to get there. Once they are in, they are fine. They may prefer two friends to ten, and that is a preference rather than a problem. An anxious child wants to join in and cannot. They may be rehearsing what to say for an hour beforehand, scanning faces for signs of being judged, or replaying an ordinary conversation that evening, convinced they said something wrong. The clearest signal is avoidance. A child who is turning down things they would genuinely like to do because of how it will feel, not because they are uninterested has moved past shyness.
The Body Gets There First
Children often feel social anxiety physically before they can name it as fear. A racing heart, a stomach ache, shaking hands, feeling hot, needing the bathroom, feeling sick. Many children genuinely believe they are ill, and parents end up in the pediatrician’s office looking for a physical cause. This matters, because a child who is told they are fine when their body clearly is not learns that this is not something they can raise. Naming it “that’s your body being nervous, and it passes” usually helps more than reassurance that there is nothing wrong.
How Therapy Helps
The first sessions are about understanding the specific fear, which is usually narrower than it looks. A child who “hates school” may in fact be frightened of one particular thing being called on, the corridor between lessons, the lunch hall.
From there the work ispractical. Understanding what the body is doing and why it is not dangerous. Testing the prediction what a child expects will happen, against what actually does. And building up exposure in small, agreed steps rather than one leap.
With younger children much of this happens through play and rehearsal rather than discussion. With teenagers it is more direct. Dr. Hackman also works with parents, because accommodation at home ordering for a child, answering for them, letting them skip is usually well-intentioned and usually keeps the anxiety in place.
What Parents Can Do
A few things help. Stop answering for them. It is faster and kinder in the moment, and it teaches a child they cannot manage it themselves. Wait, even when it is uncomfortable. Prepare rather than surprise. Knowing who will be there and how long you are staying lowers the load considerably. Praise the attempt, not the outcome. Going and leaving early is a success.
Treating it as a failure removes the reason to try next time. And do not let them opt out of everything. Choose which things matter and hold those steadily, while letting some go.
Key Points
Helping Your Child Connect.
Empowering Resilience
Build your child's social confidence from the inside out addressing the anxiety, self-doubt, and avoidance that keep children from experiencing the friendships and belonging they need.
Healing Space
A warm, child-friendly space where your child can explore their social experiences honestly and practice the confidence and skills they are building in therapy.
Transformative Support
Dr. Hackman integrates play therapy, cognitive approaches, and relational work to help children build genuine social confidence while maintaining regular parent consultations to support the work at home and school.
Why Avoidance Makes It Worse
Social skills and the capacity for friendship are foundational to children’s development and lifelong wellbeing. Early support for social anxiety and peer difficulties can dramatically change a child’s experience of school and childhood.
When to Get Help Sooner
Speak to someone without waiting if your child is refusing school, if they have withdrawn from friends and activities they used to enjoy, if the anxiety is affecting sleep or eating, if they speak at home but not at school, or if their mood has dropped alongside it.
Social anxiety and low mood often arrive together in adolescence, and the combination is worth addressing early rather than watching.
Arranging a First Conversation
The first step is usually a conversation with parent, before your child is involved.
Dr. Hackman works with children and teenagers from Santa Monica, Brentwood, Pacific Palisades and West Los Angeles.
Call (747) 243-4897
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FAQs
Common Questions
The test is avoidance and distress, not quietness. A shy child warms up and enjoys themselves once they are in. An anxious child wants to take part but cannot, feels physically unwell beforehand, or turns down things they would genuinely like to do. If your child is happy with two close friends and no interest in a bigger group, that is usually temperament.
Some do. But social anxiety is one of the difficulties least likely to resolve on its own, because avoidance reinforces it. Left alone it often narrows a child's world gradually over years. It also responds well to treatment, which is why acting earlier is generally better.
Not by force, and not without preparation, which usually confirms the fear. But complete avoidance makes it worse. The useful middle ground is graded steps agreed with your child going for twenty minutes rather than the whole party. Dr. Hackman can help you work out what those steps should be.
It is common in short bursts, particularly after starting somewhere new. If it has lasted more than a month it is worth assessing, as it may be selective mutism, which is an anxiety condition and responds well to the right approach.
Yes. There is a separate page on social difficulties and shyness in adults, covering social anxiety in work and personal settings.